Mind Vomit

Dear BF, 

The fact you have been coming over more (and have stayed the night 3 nights in a row) means so much to me! The goal, the dream, has been to build our relationship discover how compatible we are together, see at what point we get tired of each other, if it would be possible to live together, have a routine, still have a separateness in our individuality etc. Etc. 

But I can't read your mind. I've now fallen into the habit of word vomit trying to clarify and make sure you know what I think and feel and want. You haven't run away screaming - so that seems like a good sign that we're on the same page. Maybe. Possibly. 

There is fear! There's so much fear. When does the truck hit? When do you get sick of me? When does my disorder become a nuisance and fuck up your perception of me? What will happen if a depressive episode hits and your actually have to witness it? 

I know how that scene played out with Ex after we lived together for some time. It wasn't pretty. I'd like to believe all the hard work I've put into my recovery means there will not be a repeat. I'd like to believe you're different than other Exes and again I have put myself into a rerun episode of "oh shit, here comes the Borderline train! Let's play chicken and see who jumps off the track first!" (I never jump off the track first... Except that one time I did.) 

This nonsense is in my head. I don't know how to verbalize it. Even writing it I feel like it doesn't make sense. 

My therapist says it sounds like I'm doing great. Practice acceptance, awareness, non attachment. Keep meditating and moving through the feeling, not against. That now is the time to practice open communication and listening and actually asking for your thoughts. Though you and I are really good at humor deflection. 

It feels like opening up to you has become a bleeding wound. I can't stop it, it just keeps pouring... And while it isn't bad and you seem so supportive and open - I can't read your mind and I don't know what's going to come out next as I spill more internal monologues of my mind to you. 

Blogging this shit kept us both safe, but also kept us both at a distance. Id like to think our relationship is healthy, on the right path, evolving the way it's supposed to. 

But how do I know? How do I really know? My perception of reality is skewed! 

I know. One day at a time. Keep doing my best. I believe a loving Higher Power takes care of the rest. Being open is ok. Love is not something to regret. Focus on Doing the healthy thing and not the feeling. 

I love you.

I'm grateful for you. 

I look forward to whatever's next. 

I'll be ok if things doesn't go as planned.

I'm trying to keep my excitement in check.

Love,

Crazy BPD GF

A Text I Actually Sent

Dear BF,

I just want you to know you really do mean so much to me and I really love every moment we're together. 

You know when Kid acts out or I have an anxiety moment or something I feel bad and worry  like, "this is it, this is gonna scare him away," but then I'm always relieved and impressed by how you respond. Where your just so supportive, and calm, and creative in helping. It's one of the reasons I'd so much like to be with you, build a life with you, ask you to be part of my and Kid's life that much more. And I do want to experience life with you. 

And I want you to know that I do eventually want and am excited to experience other relationships with and a part from you (we both want to be Poly!) with you as my primary partner in life to come home to and to able to rely on each other through good and bad times.. and the rollercoaster of parenting Kid lol. And I want to be able to be there for you too. And maybe grow old with you and and and... 

Usually when I write out these long nonsensical mind vomits I don't send them to you. But I don't want to keep hiding myself from you either (she types as she edits out a bunch of crazy). I love you, and I want to be with you. Your coming over more often has meant a lot and it's all just felt really good and right and the past year with you has been so wonderful and I'm excited to experience more. 

Ok I'll shut up now,

Your Crazy BPD GF

Things Are Amazing

Hello Readers (who don't exist, I'm writing to the imaginary audience in my mind who are wondering why I haven't written a post in 2 months). 

Things are great! Amazing! So much better than I ever could have imagined and I am in a euphoric state of goodness. (Which, with BPD could change on a dime but...) 

I finally found a therapist who actually does therapy. Even better the type of therapy she does is effective in treating BPD. Even before I started dating again I had been desperately seeking treatment and doing everything I could do to manage this disorder and my symptoms. I have worked so hard and I didn't start dating again until I was confident enough to believe that I could manage my issues without it ruining (yet, another) relationship. 

Then naturally once I began dating I demanded my therapist at the time really up the ante in addressing the issues. Of course symptoms flared! And while the tools I had were helpful, I needed more. Especially once I found a serious partner I wanted to build a relationship and a future with. Unfortunately, my therapist failed me and I wasn't seeing the progress I wanted. 

Miraculously, the BPD did not ruin the relationship. It made it harder for me - but not on him. 

Over the last the few months in finally finding THE therapist that could help, my relationship has taken another step in communication and connection. (He started spending more time with me and kiddo!! We're talking about moving in together! Mention of marriage and desires for the future! OMG!!) THANK GOD, I found a therapist that could help. As the relationship gets more intense so do the emotions - and thus the Borderline thinking and desires to act on such intense feelings/thoughts/impulses. 

The boyfriend and I had our first conflict. Instead of falling into old habits and dangerous BPD thinking ('welp, time to kill myself') I was able to use my tools, call my therapist multiple times, and overcome it. In the end BF and I weren't just able to communicate through it, but improve and move forward in ways I never thought would be a possibility for someone like me. 

But that also meant finally opening up and telling him, "I have Borderline Personality Disorder." Like most people he wasn't able to fully grasp what that meant, which meant trying to give a deeper explanation and sharing my symptoms and coming clean about the struggles I've had in the relationship. Which he had no clue about. And, like the difficulty with previous therapists, because I am managing and functioning so well it's hard to conceive this is a disorder I have. Which is good! That's the goal! I don't want to meet the criteria for the diagnosis anymore! I don't want to be controlled by the disorder. 

Most importantly, in getting to be honest about this and grow closer in our relationship, I was able to reassure him and myself that (while I am doing great) I won't stop doing the things I need to in order to manage this disorder - and seeking ways to recover from it. 

This creates a lot of HOPE. People with BPD can manage and even recover from this disorder and have meaningful healthy long term relationships. That I can and am doing that. While I may still suffer with the symptoms at this time my ways of managing and dealing with it mean I might no longer meet the criteria for it. This is miraculous! 

Still I must take it one day at a time. 

But Life Is Good! 

With Love to all the Borderlines out there,

Crazy BPD GF 

Inventory the Freak Out

Dear Recovery Friend,


I am having a momentary freak out. Talked to BF briefly tonight. He said his evening job finally closed due to the virus. I asked what his plans were for the weekend. He said he wasn't sure.
I said, "well you're always welcome here."
He said, "I believe it."
Then ... Awkward silence.
We talked a bit about our days, but nothing interesting or enthusiastic. Which isn't abnormal.

But crazy me wants to have a total freak out. Like if he has free time why not jump at the chance to spend it with me? Or maybe I should spell it out. It's been a year, and neither of us have said, "I love you", there's been no serious talks about commitment or anything. And while it's bothered me, I have been resisting everything I got not to fall into crazy patterns of-

 "Validate and love me and let me swallow your fucking soul!"

The other week he told me he had a roommate. Like no big deal. Turns out it's a woman, a friend who's struggling I guess. I didn't comment or ask any questions. He's talked about getting a roommate before to save money. Of course I try applying all the recovery shit and NOT think about "what if.." scenarios.

But when he feels so distant - knowing he's at home, and she's there, and he didn't work today, but didn't say anything to me. Like "what ifs" are jumping at me like crazy. 😭

He mentioned how helpful she is with his garden....
Like I want to help. I keep saying I want him to garden in my backyard - usually teasingly.

So yeah, straight up anger, fear, envy.


Pride.
I definitely fall into the "I'm not good enough."
He made lots of suggestions about building my business. I haven't done shit. I lay around,  try to focus on the house, have anxiety attacks, try not to obsess about him, try to focus on kiddo. But then I'm horrified and ashamed to say, "no I didn't do anything to try to become self sufficient. I had a 4 hour panic attack because I'm crazy and took a nap yesterday."

Yes.
I've considered going back on meds, but then I got the new therapist and thought since she has experience with BPD maybe give her a chance. Because ALL of these issues fall completely into BPD which meds can relieve the symptoms but don't treat. So I'd want to treat the BPD then see if meds are needed for what's left. I have an appt for next week, but I guess there's a chance she'll cancel. Hoping not.

Ok.
I'm going to take a bath. Self care and self soothe.

Crazy BPD Friend

I Came Clean

This happens every time. I work so hard to contain and hide my crazy from the relationship - until one glimmered moment I feel safe and I let it all out.

Or maybe I didn't feel safe. I was panicking not to long before our phone call about how 'disconnected' I felt you were. The whole - "I know you work and I can't expect you to be around all the time - but I have no idea how serious this relationship is to you and I'm convinced you're gonna leave me."

So I desperately spilled out all the nonsense to show how devoted I am to you?
Shit! I don't know why I said. I only vaguely remember what I said. I have no memory at all of what led up to the question where you asked more in detail, "and exactly what did you do?"

"Well that time we stayed at your house? I resisted the urge to lay out all your clothes, get naked, and then roll in it like a cat."

"Oh... well that's something."

So I laugh about my quirky, crazy, cute, psychotic, devoted BPDness and hope you laugh too and that weird twinge in your voice isn't a twinge of sanity saying - "I should probably leave this psycho chick."

Then you ask another question - and again another thing I thought I was NEVER going to tell you comes spilling out of my mouth. The fact I've had your boxers for months and months and months.

You're laughing. I'm laughing - because I know if I don't laugh I'll cry because why the fuck am I telling you my absolute most crazy of crazies. Then we're joking a bit, and its playful. You insist you have to go so you can meal prep so you can come over tomorrow.

I sucker-punch that "OMG I'M BEING ABANDONED!"voice back into the void that is my head.

I know the conversation ended the same way it always does on Monday nights. "Sweet dreams, see you tomorrow, have a good night."

And now I am desperately trying to contain the crazy thoughts and emotions crawling and clawing on the inside of my skin. I can feel it from skull to toes, flesh to bone, and emotional intensity so strong it physically hurts and I'm ready to cry.

In past relationships this was "The Test".
I come clean about some level of insanity and they react either one of two ways.

A. They ghost. End the relationship and disappear.

B. A patronizing yet flattered, "aww, you are crazy. But it's sweet because you're crazy about me." To which the relationship progresses until I manage less and the unmanageable dries you away.

Both resulting in suicide and psych stays. One just takes longer than the other.

I am telling myself, and telling myself, and telling myself - this time is different. No matter the reaction, no matter if this relationship does last forever or one day ends - I AM BETTER. I have lots of skills and tools and support and recovery. I am not a risk or a danger to myself. Even if my BPD's worst nightmare comes true - I know my strong sane independent spiritual life coaching woman side will have all the tools to manage through it.

Right now though, these intense emotions are kicking my fucking ass.

After all, now that you know a couple of these secrets revealing my insanity -
If you leave me, we know it's because there's something fucking wrong with me.
If you stay with me, then dear God, what is wrong with you?

BPD Breaks Under Criticism

I made a mistake.
A very silly minor mistake - it's not worth describing.

When I fuck up my rational brain knows what to do.
"You made a mistake. Accidents happen. Progress not perfect. Take a deep breath, clean up your mess. Then do the next right thing. You are loved and capable."

My BPD brain on the other hand?
"ABORT MISSION. KILL YOURSELF!
SOMEONE SAW IT! YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED! They're going to laugh at you, yell at you, criticise you. Go into hiding or die before than can do that. Everyone hates you. You are a mess!"

The key isn't making the rational voice louder, but to give it the most attention. Then simply move on. I don't argue with the BPD voice, nor do I completely reject it.

I tell the BPD monster to drink some tea. That it's valid (and not living in reality). That I know it won't stop until it's ready. That I am going to focus on doing the next right thing instead.

Sometimes this battle is easier than other times.
However, I'm still alive today.

BPD GF

I'm Madder than a Hatter

I'm not mad.
But I am mad.
I feel like I'm not allowed to be mad.
I shouldn't be.

You are in my life.
You are in my daughter's life.

But you're not.

You're here.
And then you are gone.

And I know I can't be mad about that.
You have a life.
You are supposed to have a life outside of me.

I have a life.
I am supposed to have a life outside of you.
We are separate individuals.

I can't ask you to work less.
That would irresponsible and unreasonable.

I can't ask you to move in.
We've only been together for 10 months.

I know I cannot ask you to change a thing.
I know this is all an inner driven
INSANITY

Wanting to beg you
To Be Here.

The darkness is back. 
I want HIM here with me and part of my life and I am going and smoking like crazy because I am afraid I cannot keep him. 
I am afraid he sees who I really am. 
And I am afraid he is pulling away. 

But there is no evidence to these fears.
Only BPD
only BPD
only BPD
I feel emotional intensity driving me.

I Think He's Going To Leave Me

I think he's going to leave me.
Not for any good reason.
Probably because my BPD says so.
He spent the night last night.
I felt disconnected.
I started hating myself.
I want to quit smoking.
Still haven't.
I spent the day crying.
Because I didn't quit smoking.
And for someone reason I think he'll leave because of that.
I asked when I could get him to come over again.
He said Tuesday.
He always comes Tuesday.
I pouted, that's so far away.
But it's Tuesday he said.
I guess I'll wait if I have to, I said.
Yesterday I told him about quitting smoking.
I suggested he stay with me and restrain me.
Jokingly.
He said I need someone to vent to.
I told him I do have people, but I'd like him to be one of those people.
He said he wasn't a good person to vent to.
I asked why not.
He said because he works so much.
He does.
My BPD says work is a cover up to avoid me.
My BPD says Tuesday is a way to keep me without commitment.
My BPD says smoke until you die.
My BPD says I'm worthless and not worth his effort.
My BPD says to continue to cry - for no real reason.
He said emotions don't make you crazy.
I said not being able to control them does.
My BPD/Addiction says smoke another.
Is it my BPD?
Or is it just me?
What if there is no illness and I'm totally rational
And I do deserve to die.

I hate days like this.
I'm not winning.

BPD & Me

A Declaration

Dear BF,

Look I am ignorant, mostly non functional, and incapable of more things a 28 year old woman should be capable of.

After all, I've spent most of my life in bed due to chronic pain, crippling depression, PTSD, anxiety, and BPD. I've lived my life and learned about the world (HA!) through movies and books. I'm pretty detached from reality.

I pretty much told you this going into the relationship. I don't know why I woke up with this script in my head. I just hope you continue to stick around this troubled airheaded child-like creature that I am.

Not that I want to rely on you to be my knight in shining armor or anything. I've (mostly) given up that troupe and can (mostly) function enough to survive - and I'm (mostly) getting better.

I just needed to get that out.

Love,

Crazy BPD GF

A Text I Won't Send

Dear BF,

It's 2:30am and I can't sleep.

I saw a Buzzfeed video where tinder dates looked at each other's Google search history. So naturally my anxiety decided to focus on that.

If you went through my search history what would you find? How badly could you judge me? What if I accidentally searched something really fucked up, like "how to be a Nazi" or something, that makes me look really bad? Ok, I've never searched that, but - let's be honest - I've searched some really weird things.

My 5 minute search proved that I'm pretty boring. I tend to look up a lot of movies, and word definitions. I had some questions about Trump... And that's something I'll avoid ever discussing with anyone - cause I understand none of that!

But there's one question that haunts me!!

So you know H. She's a little peculiar. There was that time she was over, and while talking about something - I don't remember probably about aliens, you know how she goes on these weird rants that even my overly open mind can't conceive -- anyway she's talking, and casually takes off her socks. She takes off her socks, turns them inside out, and puts them back on.

This. Bothered. Me. So. Much!

I mean what DO I know about socks?
My main reason for moving to Florida was so I never had to wear socks again. I'm a flip flops forever kinda gal.

Are they more comfortable inside out? That didn't make sense, cause why not start with them at the beginning of the day that way? It was the end of the day, she was going home soon. Maybe it's a cleanly thing? But that means the sweat on the inside of the sock would just go into the shoe, and if this is a regular thing then the shoe would just get every sock dirty. Plus socks are supposed to protect the shoes from sweat.

And why would she do that in front of me? I mean I have some peculiar habits, if flipping my socks inside out was one of them, I'd feel really awkward and change them in solitude. I've worn sweaters inside out for hours until I could go somewhere in private so as not to draw attention to the fact I was turning my sweater right side out. Maybe socks are different.

But it's H. For all I know you need to flip your socks regularly to let the aliens know you're ready to be abducted.

Google didn't come up with any answers. Yes I searched, "benefits to wearing socks inside out" multiple ways to find something. All I found was washing them inside out is good... Which also doesn't make sense, when the inside would be the sweatier dirtier part.

And I want to text all of this to you RIGHT NOW! AT NEARLY 3AM AND SEE IF YOU HAVE ANSWERS!
After all you take care of your socks. You're the only person I know who darns socks when they get a hole. (Which, if I haven't said, seeing you with a needle and thread really turns me on...)

And while texting this nonsense to you at 3am might be funny, or quirky, or cute. "Aww you are insane, aren't you?"
It might also be, "omg, you're certifiably insane. Get back on the meds and never text me again." Because what normal person wants to get a lengthy irrational text at 3am from their GF of only 9 months?

And really. I should just go to sleep. Fuck.

BPD GF

Beautiful

He told me I am beautiful.

Now I can't sleep.

That is all.

BPD GF

The BPD Crisis Dilemma

Dear BF,

I'm having a really bad day. I just want to call you, crying, tell you how bad it is, beg you to come over and hold me, and tell me it'll be ok and you'll help me figure it out.

But I can't. I JUST CAN'T! I don't want you to see me as weak, or pathetic. I don't want you to abandon me when you see what a mess I really am. I don't even want you to say you want to help but can't come over right now. I don't want to fall into the old BPD pattern of wanting someone to come and take care of me for every little bad incident - especially when I can't gauge how bad it actually is.

Is it just my stupid emotions causing a problem for me today? Or is there something legitimately wrong? I literally have no idea. Is it something I should be able to handle on my own? Or do I really need to ask for help? But I literally want to ask for help every single time I feel like shit, so I don't know. I just don't fucking know.

I fell last week, I didn't tell you until hours after it happened. I waited a week and now my knee feels worse. So I reached out for help and called my doctor. Doctor told me to go to urgent care.

My dad was pissed that he had to spend the whole afternoon to take me to urgent care. Asking if it was really that bad, telling me he can't afford to help with bills, criticising my every move. (Yes I'm aware of where these insecurities I have come from).

The worst part -- and I knew he was going to do this -- he had kiddo in the car with him. He and my 5 year sat in the car for nearly 3 hours waiting for me. I don't know why he doesn't have the rationale to take her to the park or McDonald's or do something with her when he has to watch her.

Then he sends me into Walgreens with a knee brace prescription (but not the medication prescription because that's not our pharmacy) and my already anxious ass didn't know where to go or who to talk to and I ended up in a line and then holding back tears... And I ran out of there crying because I didn't know what else to do. I was in and out of there is less than 5 minutes with nothing but wasted time and a panic attack.

I'm supposed to take a steroid for a few days, and if things aren't better get an MRI. Because an X-ray won't show a miniscus tear and that might be what's going on. Part of me hopes it is something serious, that way I can prove I'm not crazy and something is wrong. While at the same time hopes it all just goes away and I'm healed. But the embarrassment of possibly overreacting even though I'm in fucking pain make me want to kill myself.

And I can't share this shit with you or anyone. I don't even understand it, how can I make you or anyone else understand? So instead I give kiddo frozen pizza, while I cry and smoke 2 cigarettes, and write this bullshit, before laying down to cry some more before I have to try and put kiddo to sleep. And she won't sleep, because she fell asleep in the car earlier.

And I don't know what's wrong with me or what to do.

*Sobs*

Crazy BPD GF

Top of the gratitude list

Dear BF,

Would it be cheesy to whisper that I am grateful for you as we begin to drift off the sleep together?

I'm extremely grateful, and all the reasons are pretty selfish.

Like I never thought I could have a healthy relationship. You've shown me I can.

Your dedication to eating healthy has certainly caused me to eat healthier, and inspired me to want to be healthier.

I've even been struggling with the desire to quit smoking. Which, I haven't yet. I'm smoking as I type this...

Your incredible patience, and gentleness with kiddo has helped me improve as a parent.

Your passion for seemingly simple things in life makes me want to follow my passions.

Your gentle encouragement gives me a little more courage.

I think you're wonderful and amazing.

Part of me fears I see you this way because of the BPD favorite person complex. That also leads to the fear of the BPD split, where I'll suddenly see you as all bad instead of all good if you ever make a mistake in my eyes.

But, you have been an amazing part of my life the last 9 months. In ways you'll probably never know. I don't want you to ever leave it, not just because I feel like a better person, but because I see you and love you for you.

Thank you,

Happy Thanksgiving,

BPD GF

Like Smoke

Dear BF,

I wish I could talk to you openly, emotionally, freely without fear holding me back. Without feeling that I'm going to say the exact wrong stupid thing that is going to scare you away forever. You're like smoke.

I see you. I know you're here, in my life, but it's like... I can't touch you. You're here for a few hours a week, and then poof... It's like you disappear... Intangible.

I can't even say this, or complain or anything. I mean, you work 2 jobs. And I make it sound like this huge admirable thing that you get up every day, get ready, go work. Financial stability, the ability to live is important to you... As it is with any normal healthy person... It's not a big deal and of course that's what you do.

Then there's me where it's 50/50 if I'm going to functional on a day to day, or even hour to hour, basis. Like I'm not normal, and I don't know how to do normal. I don't know how life, any of this is supposed to work. I can barely conceive how someone can get up every day and just... Do the things... And then expect time committed to a relationship...

I want more time with you. I want something that feels more tangible, real. I want to know where things are going... Yet, I'm pretty sure most of it is my own insecure insanity that perceives you, this, us, as unreal...

I don't know.
I know these thoughts will go unspoken.
Vaporizing into the atmosphere.
Like smoke...

BPD GF

Suicide and Cigarettes

Dear.... Journal?

That's what people do right?

I was totally intent on switching from cigarettes to the vape, cause I can't afford it and I totally know it's a self destructive coping mechanism that will kill me... And I almost want it to kill me... And ugh.

I even told BF last night.
Then he left for work this morning, and the emotional intensity kicked in.
Noooo, he's not abandoning me. My rational brain DOES understand reality.
My emotional brain on the other hand keeps focusing on the fact I probably won't see him for another week and is questioning whether the reality of our relationship IS real and serious or not.

It's been almost 9 months. He's involved with my kid, he's met important people in my life. He has a drawer!!! Why question any of that?

Cause it's the self destructive path to systematic suicide and nihilistic "fuck it all's".

Walking helps. Walking puts the intensity into action and movement. I pray by the time I've walked to the gas station the intention to buy another pack of little suicide sticks will pass. Of course it doesn't, fuck it, might as well smoke.

And since I'm no good and worthless I might as well buy and eat a huge back of beef jerky to stick it to my vegan BF. Not that it makes any sense or he even cares or knows what in eating. But if I'm hating myself, I might as well do little things others can hate me for too - smoke and eat bad food... Yeah, rationality is not on the side of BPD emotion.

It doesn't help that my therapist will co-sign the bullshit I'm spewing out.
"If it gets you walking, that's a huge improvement!"
"Some people smoke forever and do die until their 80s."
"New research about vapes being bad are coming out all the time."
"Sure it's not good for you, but smoking is better than the other self harm you could be doing."

Thanks therapist. Where's the goddamn support in actual improvement? Accepting my illness is one thing, actively enabling it to destroy me is kind of why I keep asking for help!

Meanwhile, I haven't made any steps to achieve my goal to become a successful Spiritual Life Coach and get off disability. Or to sell my book.
Meanwhile, I'm convinced my kid is an energy vampire and I often want to avoid the very room she's in.
Meanwhile I'm obsessing over when I asked BF if he was comfortable in my bed last night and be jokingly nonchalantly called out on the fact I asked because I "wanna make sure he's comfortable so he'll come over more."

Meanwhile, I want the easy answers for making my desire to improve stronger than that little BPD voice that wants to die.

Fuck, 

BPD Girl

A Moment of Self Indulgence

Dear BF,

I wish you could read my mind. Only the good parts though, the parts you'll agree with and not think I'm totally crazy for. That you would just know the things I am too afraid to say out loud.

Today you said I was beautiful. I want more of that.

I also want you to come over more often, but I'm afraid to say it more often.

I'd like an estimate on orgasms. Not that my blessing in multiples has been left unattended, but my expectation and total satisfaction is confusing. Totally satisfied while expecting even more satisfying drenchedness.

I want you to tell me you love me and want to be with me forever. Or at least until things burn down.

I like how great you are with kid, I want more of that co-parent like support.

I just want you and I want you to want me too.

Your Crazy BPD GF

9 Months

Dear BF,

At the end of the month we will have been together for 9 months.

That's pretty damn serious, yeah?

I mean it takes 9 months to make a baby. There's obviously a point in pregnancy where it's like, "yeah, I'm committed, I doing this, I'm having a baby! Abortion is off the table!" Ok, not politicizing anything, just a crazy thought...

But really 9 months is a long time.

Numerology googling says the number 9 is about responsibility and serving in love and other good stuff.

I've been basically sleep deprived all week, and now I'm so energized after you being here and lots of amazing sexy time. And cuddle time, and just time.

I'm committed. I hope you are too.
That fear of abandonment is a bitch.
But 9 months... Things with you are amazing.
I want it to continue forever.

Crazy BPD GF

A Conversation

The Conversation Playing In My Head

Scene: we're sitting very comfortably on the couch. A TV show has just ended and I am curled up on your lap.

Nervously I say, "this is going to be really stupid... But I want to ask. What do you think of me? Our relationship? The future?"

And you respond in a very wonderful and passionate way that you love me, that you like how things are. That you want things to progress. That you're planning to find a house in this city, and that our relationship does evolve and maybe one day moving in together and marriage will happen. 

Then you ask what do I want? 

To which I nervously laugh and ask, "do you want the sane, rational, and healthy answer? Or the mentally disordered fantasy one?"

"Let's start with the rational one," you say.

"Well, I want the same. I love you, I want you in my life and kid's. I know that I'm evolving and growing and moving forward and I want you to be part of that. I'd love if you lived closer and came over more often, and I want to build a future with you; and yes, one day I'd want to live with a have a family with you."

"And what's the other answer?" You tease.

I laugh, "well... Remember this is coming from a place of Borderline insanity. I know it's crazy and I know it's not healthy or how relationships work, but there is this crazy intense part of me that...

"That wants you to move in here, like 3 months ago. That wants to give over my entire existence, life, and values to you. That wants to stop smoking and become vegan, not because it's healthy, but because then you'd like me more and can see being with me forever. Though I cannot ever see myself being totally vegan all the time. Like I cannot imagine an existence where I never have bacon again .. but like, with my smoking, I'll just eat it outside in total private shame.

"This part of me wants you around all the time and in every aspect of my life. I want to have your babies - and maybe part of that is the mother in me but also this crazy part so that you will always and forever be connected to me.

"I even want to switch completely to your shampoo and toothpaste brand, which I kind of started using since you left bottles in the bathroom when you brought stuff over for your drawer. Also I want to clean out my entire closet and home right now so that you can totally fill it with all your things.

"And then I want to wake up next to you every morning and go to sleep with your holding me every night. And for there to be lots and lots of wild sex - which will also help me keep up with doing the laundry regularly, because there's this insane part of me that feels like it can only be functional if you're around and wants to become your Stepford wife.

"After a big fairytale wedding life will be perfect and I'll never ever have problems again and we'll live happily ever after.

"And now that I've revealed my undying obsession and psychotic adoration and desire for you, do you want to take me into the bedroom and fuck the insecurities out of me?"

Then you kiss me, lead me to bedroom and the screen fades to black and credits roll.

But let's be honest, after the credits comes the following scene where I'm sitting outside smoking a cigarette writing a blog post on the verge of crying because I just bled my crazy out and am sure you're going to abandon me the next day. 

The End.

1000 Years

Dear BF,

So I point out it's late and you have to wake up.
You joke about having to go so you can afford to live and follow your dreams.
I ask what your dreams are.

You say to own lots of property to grow food, lots of land with hills.

I ask what else...
My stupid girl brain hoping you'll say something totally romantic involving me, because your world should totally revolve around me.

"That's it. Grow plants. Eat healthy. Live to be 1000."

I know your half asleep. I know that's the same dream you told me the day we met. I know it has nothing to do with or without me. I know you can't read my mind, and I can't read yours, and it's absolutely ridiculous of me to read into what you say as if it predicts our entire future.

I didn't say, "can I be part of that dream?" Because that's stupid and scary and baiting for trouble.
I didn't say, "I don't think I could ever leave this city because of my kid, my friends, the life I'm building.." because that's my anxiety ruining all possiblities while also baiting for more trouble.

I said I'd get some water, because after amazing sex I'm dehydrated and need to pee. I get water but instead of bringing it back and curling up in your arms, I run outside to my first love - cigarette - and watch as the colorful swirl in my head turns bright red and black with fear and anxiety that somehow I'm not important to you because you didn't say something that doesn't need said.

Our relationship is perfect. 8 months of perfection, I couldn't ask for anyone or anything better and worrying about the future of it falling apart is absolutely asinine and dear god my BPD wants nothing more than for you to admit an undying passionate love you want to last 1000+ years and and and and....

I can validate that some of these thoughts are healthy and normal. I can validate that lots of girls would think and feel this way. I can even validate that I'm handling it all healthily and have lots of love and patience and hope and faith for whatever comes.

But there's a psycho part of me - the BPD part - that wants to start screaming and crying and consider dying if nothing works out. I'm telling that part to calm the fuck down and everything is ok.

See you in bed after I pee. Thank you just for being here even though you will never know just how hard this really is for me.

Love,

Your crazy BPD GF

All Is Well Future Me

Dear Future Me,

I know you're reading through these posts thinking, "God, I'm such a fucking mess! What's wrong with me? I'm insane! My life is so unmanageable. How could I possibly keep going?"

Remember this blog was created out of BPD Emotional Intensity.
Most of these are written during nearly psychotic episodes as a way to cope and avoid acting out. Yes. It makes us seen like a total mess.

Don't forget, there are lots of good things too.

Halloween was fantastic. You looked beautiful as a ghost, kiddo looked wonderful as a witch, and BF came in his usual incredible, kind state of being. He met M&J and has a seal of approval. Dad was human, and you were able to love him.

You had fun, laughed a lot, and felt connection - even during those moments of disconnect. BF stayed the night, and just cuddled. Intimacy without intercourse is valuable and healthy and wonderful.

You have a beautiful home.
A wonderful boyfriend.
An incredible child.
Lots of friends.
People who value you.
You have a life worth living.
There is a higher power who loves you.
I love you.

As I write this all is well.
As you read this, things may be different, and that's ok - All Is Still and Will Be Well.

Love,

Past You

Shit On Traditions

Dear Dad,

Right now, I hate you. I really fucking hate you. Of course I know it's a matter of time before the pendulum swings and I love and rely on you for everything again; but right now, "fuck you!"

For the last 5 years...
Count them, 5!! My child's entire life!
For the last 5 years we have gone to M&J's house for Halloween. Again - 5 years! I thought it was tradition. We went every fucking year.

At the beginning of this month we made plans. I made plans. We were going to go to M&J's house for Halloween. BF was going to meet us after work. He would take us home.

You were going to take me and kid and celebrate Halloween like we do every year. We'd go to my Sponsor's house (I only see her on holidays) and we'd have a good fucking time with her, her other Sponsees, her grandkids, we'd trick or treat, pass out candy.

Suddenly the last week or so you started saying you don't think you're invited. I made plans, with M, with BF, with you. Why wouldn't you be going?

You say you don't think M likes you right now. Maybe it's because you're a selfish fucking dick!

Any time I try to make plans you criticize, change, insult, and dig and dig until I fucking explode. You say you don't want to. It's not about you!! M&J and are like family. We go every year. It's not about you!!! It's about my daughter, it's about my family, it's about me! It's about introducing BF to people I consider my family, and that fucking includes a self cocksucker like you.

I'm sorry I'm such a goddamn burden in every fucking way.

The BPD Daughter you created

P.S. you're like Dr. Frankenstein. You treat everyone around you like insignificant, annoying, child-like Igors who are supposed to do your bidding but do it all wrong. 

But your worse than Dr. Frankenstein. You feel no guilt or shame for the creature you created. 

Irrational Insanity Is Intense

Dear BF,

Your phone was off the other night. Totally not a big deal, you work two jobs, you were probably sleeping, I don't have to talk to you every night.

The fun thing about this disorder is when insane thoughts kick in.

"What if he's ghosting me?"
"What if this is the beginning of the end?"
"What if he died?"
"What if he's with another girl?"
"What if he's in jail and I can't help him because in broke and don't drive?"
As if any of that is a possibility! You don't do anything reckless. You're probably the most boring, predictable, easy going human on the planet!

I had to talk myself down from a ledge I hypnotically climbed in my mind of abandonment horrors.

You spend time with me and Kid every week. You're gentle, funny, kind, thoughtful, you show an interest in me and my life. I know these thoughts are irrational, created by a BPD monster who wants to shut me down.

I cried myself to sleep, trying not to berate myself for crying for no rational reason. Then went on with the following day normal and cheery.

You're amazing, and I'm mildly insane, but I'm managing.

Love,

Your BPD GF

The BPD Swing

Dear BPD Group,

I see it time and again people confusing and questioning the difference between Borderline Personality Disorder and Bipolar Disorder.

Bipolar Disorder is a disorder characterized by episodes of Mania and Depression. These often a follow a clear pattern of mania followed by depression, most often the pattern can almost be tracked. I knew when  my friend wento her meds again it would be exactly 3 weeks before the mania escalated to the point she'd be out turning tricks again. She'd then disappear from society for a good 6 months, before reaching out again before the mania hit and begin to escalate again. These cycles could be weeks, months, even years. It's a chemical problem and medication is the treatment for it.

Borderline is a disorder characterized by intense emotions especially in relation to relationships (whether it be intimate or an acquaintance). At times they may experience euphoric, manic like symptoms (but they do not experience true mania). Borderlines also experience feelings of emptiness, and unstable self image, and recurrent suicidal ideation or attempts - depression. (You throw in the possibility of dual diagnoses and you go even more problems). Yes there is a chemical component (the brain will function a certain way when you typically always respond in similar ways), but the treatment is behavior modification and coping tools. Medication can help symptoms to an extent but it won't stop the BPD. Just as therapy can help Bipolar to and extent, but it won't stop a cycle.

So here's what happened to me today, as someone who only has BPD (at least that's the conclusion I have come to over the past year, with some help from professionals who are failing me and probably other patients... But that's a rant for another time...)

I had an amazing day today! I mood was GREAT! My energy was high! I was kind of unlike myself. I had an amazing night with my boyfriend, I had morning sex with him, it was my birthday, we had a morning together. I went and did lots of fun things, I celebrated with my dad. I celebrated with friends. I celebrated with kid! I did embroidery. I did dishes. Perhaps if you saw me yesterday and then today, you might scratch your head and wonder if I was manic. Sure! In a way I was, in a sense I did have a euphoric motivating, energizing, high!

Then....
THEN!!

I had a disagreement with someone (who's opinion I value) online. The conversation kept going. I knew I should have detached. My texts look a little lengthy, but they were sound a rational. I had to get the last word after all! But then the spiral started.

Sure, most people would get upset. Sure, maybe a normal person might even consider their day ruined.

As a Borderline however?
"Welp, she hates me! Time to fucking kill myself!" It was just a thought, along with a wild spiral of thinking, "what am I doing wrong?
I know I'm right here.
She's such an admirable person.
She's a fucking bitch!
No I value her! Omg she wants me dead.
Omg I hate her!
I should just stop responding.
Omg I don't like this feeling.
I should just go to bed.
I hope I never wake up.
Why would I think that way?
I had an amazing day.
Breathe.
I know she's just a person, her opinion of me doesn't matter.
Everyone is judging me.
Everyone hates me.
I'm such a piece of shit.
No... I know that's not true.
Use a DBT skill.
Fuck that, slit your wrist!
That takes too much energy.
Nothing matters.
I'll just lay here.

If you saw me during those moments, curled up on the couch staring into space, completely drained - you would say I was depressed. Perhaps if you met me during both of those "moods" you'd wonder if I was manic/depressive.

The thing is, neither of these states were a patternised episode. Neither were brought on by dysfunctional brain chemistry, neither lasted weeks or months.

In fact that "depressive episode"  lasted about 45 minutes until I was able to use my coping skills from my recovery tool box. Mind you, before my having a "tool box" I could access, it could have lasted days, weeks, lead to actual self harm or suicide. Of course I was given the depression diagnosis, and even Bipolar at one point (ruled out because meds didn't work!).

With Borderlines, our "episodes" (if you can call them that) could last anywhere from 5 minutes to maybe 5 days - it's very unlikely to go on for weeks or months. It's usually situational and brought on by a relationship or an event. Often times our emotional responses make perfect sense! People will validate me that my upset was warranted!

However those emotions are like smacking a hand on a 3rd degree burn victim's back (per Marsha Linehan's description). They're intense, seemingly impossible to regulate without lots of tools and practice. Even once we can regulate, that doesn't mean the emotions and thoughts don't pop up. We just have to work harder. Medication may help, after all - I can't go into a fit of rage if my mood stabilizer makes me tired. But BPD is a different creature from Bipolar.


****

By the way, my birthday was great. I turned 28. BF spent the night and morning with me and gave me food and many many orgasm - I didn't tell him to move in (that's a miracle). Kiddo on the other hand did tell him to live in the attic. Sooo, I had to smother those internal fireworks.

Love,

This BPD Girl

Step Daddy?

Dear BF,

So this morning Kid asked asked if you were coming over today. I told her not today but soon. I was expecting her to reiterate her anger at us for not taking her to the park like she imagined we promised the other day. Instead she said sadly, "I miss him."

"I miss him too. It's nice when he's around," I replied.

"What if he came to live with us?" She suggested excitedly, her little 5 year old voice egging me on.

"Maybe one day. Would you like that?" I tried to be the diplomatic parent but I felt the fireworks bursting and the energy spiralling up at the suggestion.

"Then he could be my Step Dad!"

I know my eyes widened and my mouth dropped, I tried to remain the same cool and collected parent I often pretend to be. "That would be nice, maybe one day that could happen; but we can't predict the future, honey. It's too early to say. We don't know what will happen."

She then rattled on about how none of her friends have step dads, and how there are all kinds of different families. That we should get married, and she wants you to be her step dad. That she plans to marry P from school. That she's no longer interested in G because he goes to a different school. That she wants to get married at that fancy grocery store. She asked for something to eat, then asked for the Kindle to watch a movie before school.

Then I was left standing with my head spinning, my heart exploding, and ready to propose to you.

I wanted to scream, "look kid! Let's not encourage mommy's obsessions and fantasies! Her crazy is going to scare him away! We need to be tactful in our manipulations to keep this guy! I mean, I need to be aware and patient to maintain a healthy relationship as it continues on its path.

"I cleaned out a drawer. He asked me to clean out a drawer! He has an empty drawer here. I don't know why he didn't put anything in his drawer the other day, but he has a drawer! It's too soon to move in. But he has a drawer! A drawer is a step to moving in. But what if he never puts anything in the drawer? What if he never wants to move in? Then all our hopes and dreams are ruined and you're traumatized for life!! And... NOOO!

"There's an empty drawer for him. Things are healthy. This is an awesome and healthy relationship. I am doing so well, and I cannot worry about the future."

So, I'm still crazy. I'm crazy about you, but I am able to manage and contain it. I have yet to do anything drastically psycho to ruin this relationship, and I plan to keep that way.

My heart is definitely full. My daughter likes you. She wants you to be part of our lives too. Maybe one day that will be the case and you will be even more part of our lives than you are now, but regardless - things right now are so good.

I look forward to talking to you tonight. I can tell you Kid likes you and wants you to come around more often. Then I can let go and just let you know you and the relationship are appreciated and wanted. Thank you for that.

With Love and NOT Expectations,

Your Crazy BPD GF

A Drawer!

Dear BF,

For months I've been struggling off and on with the fact that we only see each other once a week. Every week it's absolutely wonderful! We go out to eat, do fun things with kid, cuddle up to a movie, and have mind blowing sex before sleeping in each other's arms.

I've had to resist the psychotic urge to beg you to move in. It's only been 7 months. I know it's too soon and it's healthy to wait. I've also had to resist the urge to pout and tell you to come over more. I've made it clear I want you to come over more, but I know it's my BPD wanting to guilt you for working so much. It's great that you're working and it's healthy that you want to go home. Duh, I'm not going to reveal my crazy about it.

This morning I finally stated it. Once a week isn't enough. I want more time with you. My heart lit up and fireworks exploded as you suggested clearing out a drawer so you can keep some things here so you could come over more often.

I had to resist the urge to jump up and empty my sock and junk drawer right then and there and tell you I'll do laundry right now so you can come back tonight!!!

Even now, after you've eaten breakfast, danced around the kitchen with me, and kissed me before going off to work - I'm resisting the urge to go all Marie Kondo on my room and start reorganizing every drawer and closet so you move your entire house here!

The goal for long term relationships is the eventual home combining, and I know starting with a drawer is the perfect place for us to be. It feels like a prayer has been answered and things are moving forward and my heart is going to explode with bright shining sparkles and orgasms!

A drawer!! I can do that.
First, I can get Kid off to school and go on with my day. It's usually hard after you leave, I tend to feel like I'm hung over from the ecstasy of your presence. Right now though, I'm still high, and I hope to hang on to that.

With Love,

Your Adoring BPD GF