I see it time and again people confusing and questioning the difference between Borderline Personality Disorder and Bipolar Disorder.
Bipolar Disorder is a disorder characterized by episodes of Mania and Depression. These often a follow a clear pattern of mania followed by depression, most often the pattern can almost be tracked. I knew when my friend wento her meds again it would be exactly 3 weeks before the mania escalated to the point she'd be out turning tricks again. She'd then disappear from society for a good 6 months, before reaching out again before the mania hit and begin to escalate again. These cycles could be weeks, months, even years. It's a chemical problem and medication is the treatment for it.
Borderline is a disorder characterized by intense emotions especially in relation to relationships (whether it be intimate or an acquaintance). At times they may experience euphoric, manic like symptoms (but they do not experience true mania). Borderlines also experience feelings of emptiness, and unstable self image, and recurrent suicidal ideation or attempts - depression. (You throw in the possibility of dual diagnoses and you go even more problems). Yes there is a chemical component (the brain will function a certain way when you typically always respond in similar ways), but the treatment is behavior modification and coping tools. Medication can help symptoms to an extent but it won't stop the BPD. Just as therapy can help Bipolar to and extent, but it won't stop a cycle.
So here's what happened to me today, as someone who only has BPD (at least that's the conclusion I have come to over the past year, with some help from professionals who are failing me and probably other patients... But that's a rant for another time...)
I had an amazing day today! I mood was GREAT! My energy was high! I was kind of unlike myself. I had an amazing night with my boyfriend, I had morning sex with him, it was my birthday, we had a morning together. I went and did lots of fun things, I celebrated with my dad. I celebrated with friends. I celebrated with kid! I did embroidery. I did dishes. Perhaps if you saw me yesterday and then today, you might scratch your head and wonder if I was manic. Sure! In a way I was, in a sense I did have a euphoric motivating, energizing, high!
Then....
THEN!!
I had a disagreement with someone (who's opinion I value) online. The conversation kept going. I knew I should have detached. My texts look a little lengthy, but they were sound a rational. I had to get the last word after all! But then the spiral started.
Sure, most people would get upset. Sure, maybe a normal person might even consider their day ruined.
As a Borderline however?
"Welp, she hates me! Time to fucking kill myself!" It was just a thought, along with a wild spiral of thinking, "what am I doing wrong?
I know I'm right here.
She's such an admirable person.
She's a fucking bitch!
No I value her! Omg she wants me dead.
Omg I hate her!
I should just stop responding.
Omg I don't like this feeling.
I should just go to bed.
I hope I never wake up.
Why would I think that way?
I had an amazing day.
Breathe.
I know she's just a person, her opinion of me doesn't matter.
Everyone is judging me.
Everyone hates me.
I'm such a piece of shit.
No... I know that's not true.
Use a DBT skill.
Fuck that, slit your wrist!
That takes too much energy.
Nothing matters.
I'll just lay here.
If you saw me during those moments, curled up on the couch staring into space, completely drained - you would say I was depressed. Perhaps if you met me during both of those "moods" you'd wonder if I was manic/depressive.
The thing is, neither of these states were a patternised episode. Neither were brought on by dysfunctional brain chemistry, neither lasted weeks or months.
In fact that "depressive episode" lasted about 45 minutes until I was able to use my coping skills from my recovery tool box. Mind you, before my having a "tool box" I could access, it could have lasted days, weeks, lead to actual self harm or suicide. Of course I was given the depression diagnosis, and even Bipolar at one point (ruled out because meds didn't work!).
With Borderlines, our "episodes" (if you can call them that) could last anywhere from 5 minutes to maybe 5 days - it's very unlikely to go on for weeks or months. It's usually situational and brought on by a relationship or an event. Often times our emotional responses make perfect sense! People will validate me that my upset was warranted!
However those emotions are like smacking a hand on a 3rd degree burn victim's back (per Marsha Linehan's description). They're intense, seemingly impossible to regulate without lots of tools and practice. Even once we can regulate, that doesn't mean the emotions and thoughts don't pop up. We just have to work harder. Medication may help, after all - I can't go into a fit of rage if my mood stabilizer makes me tired. But BPD is a different creature from Bipolar.
****
By the way, my birthday was great. I turned 28. BF spent the night and morning with me and gave me food and many many orgasm - I didn't tell him to move in (that's a miracle). Kiddo on the other hand did tell him to live in the attic. Sooo, I had to smother those internal fireworks.
Love,
This BPD Girl
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