I'm having a really bad day. I just want to call you, crying, tell you how bad it is, beg you to come over and hold me, and tell me it'll be ok and you'll help me figure it out.
But I can't. I JUST CAN'T! I don't want you to see me as weak, or pathetic. I don't want you to abandon me when you see what a mess I really am. I don't even want you to say you want to help but can't come over right now. I don't want to fall into the old BPD pattern of wanting someone to come and take care of me for every little bad incident - especially when I can't gauge how bad it actually is.
Is it just my stupid emotions causing a problem for me today? Or is there something legitimately wrong? I literally have no idea. Is it something I should be able to handle on my own? Or do I really need to ask for help? But I literally want to ask for help every single time I feel like shit, so I don't know. I just don't fucking know.
I fell last week, I didn't tell you until hours after it happened. I waited a week and now my knee feels worse. So I reached out for help and called my doctor. Doctor told me to go to urgent care.
My dad was pissed that he had to spend the whole afternoon to take me to urgent care. Asking if it was really that bad, telling me he can't afford to help with bills, criticising my every move. (Yes I'm aware of where these insecurities I have come from).
The worst part -- and I knew he was going to do this -- he had kiddo in the car with him. He and my 5 year sat in the car for nearly 3 hours waiting for me. I don't know why he doesn't have the rationale to take her to the park or McDonald's or do something with her when he has to watch her.
Then he sends me into Walgreens with a knee brace prescription (but not the medication prescription because that's not our pharmacy) and my already anxious ass didn't know where to go or who to talk to and I ended up in a line and then holding back tears... And I ran out of there crying because I didn't know what else to do. I was in and out of there is less than 5 minutes with nothing but wasted time and a panic attack.
I'm supposed to take a steroid for a few days, and if things aren't better get an MRI. Because an X-ray won't show a miniscus tear and that might be what's going on. Part of me hopes it is something serious, that way I can prove I'm not crazy and something is wrong. While at the same time hopes it all just goes away and I'm healed. But the embarrassment of possibly overreacting even though I'm in fucking pain make me want to kill myself.
And I can't share this shit with you or anyone. I don't even understand it, how can I make you or anyone else understand? So instead I give kiddo frozen pizza, while I cry and smoke 2 cigarettes, and write this bullshit, before laying down to cry some more before I have to try and put kiddo to sleep. And she won't sleep, because she fell asleep in the car earlier.
And I don't know what's wrong with me or what to do.
*Sobs*
Crazy BPD GF
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