Things are great! Amazing! So much better than I ever could have imagined and I am in a euphoric state of goodness. (Which, with BPD could change on a dime but...)
I finally found a therapist who actually does therapy. Even better the type of therapy she does is effective in treating BPD. Even before I started dating again I had been desperately seeking treatment and doing everything I could do to manage this disorder and my symptoms. I have worked so hard and I didn't start dating again until I was confident enough to believe that I could manage my issues without it ruining (yet, another) relationship.
Then naturally once I began dating I demanded my therapist at the time really up the ante in addressing the issues. Of course symptoms flared! And while the tools I had were helpful, I needed more. Especially once I found a serious partner I wanted to build a relationship and a future with. Unfortunately, my therapist failed me and I wasn't seeing the progress I wanted.
Miraculously, the BPD did not ruin the relationship. It made it harder for me - but not on him.
Over the last the few months in finally finding THE therapist that could help, my relationship has taken another step in communication and connection. (He started spending more time with me and kiddo!! We're talking about moving in together! Mention of marriage and desires for the future! OMG!!) THANK GOD, I found a therapist that could help. As the relationship gets more intense so do the emotions - and thus the Borderline thinking and desires to act on such intense feelings/thoughts/impulses.
The boyfriend and I had our first conflict. Instead of falling into old habits and dangerous BPD thinking ('welp, time to kill myself') I was able to use my tools, call my therapist multiple times, and overcome it. In the end BF and I weren't just able to communicate through it, but improve and move forward in ways I never thought would be a possibility for someone like me.
But that also meant finally opening up and telling him, "I have Borderline Personality Disorder." Like most people he wasn't able to fully grasp what that meant, which meant trying to give a deeper explanation and sharing my symptoms and coming clean about the struggles I've had in the relationship. Which he had no clue about. And, like the difficulty with previous therapists, because I am managing and functioning so well it's hard to conceive this is a disorder I have. Which is good! That's the goal! I don't want to meet the criteria for the diagnosis anymore! I don't want to be controlled by the disorder.
Most importantly, in getting to be honest about this and grow closer in our relationship, I was able to reassure him and myself that (while I am doing great) I won't stop doing the things I need to in order to manage this disorder - and seeking ways to recover from it.
This creates a lot of HOPE. People with BPD can manage and even recover from this disorder and have meaningful healthy long term relationships. That I can and am doing that. While I may still suffer with the symptoms at this time my ways of managing and dealing with it mean I might no longer meet the criteria for it. This is miraculous!
Still I must take it one day at a time.
But Life Is Good!
With Love to all the Borderlines out there,
Crazy BPD GF
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