Inventory the Freak Out

Dear Recovery Friend,


I am having a momentary freak out. Talked to BF briefly tonight. He said his evening job finally closed due to the virus. I asked what his plans were for the weekend. He said he wasn't sure.
I said, "well you're always welcome here."
He said, "I believe it."
Then ... Awkward silence.
We talked a bit about our days, but nothing interesting or enthusiastic. Which isn't abnormal.

But crazy me wants to have a total freak out. Like if he has free time why not jump at the chance to spend it with me? Or maybe I should spell it out. It's been a year, and neither of us have said, "I love you", there's been no serious talks about commitment or anything. And while it's bothered me, I have been resisting everything I got not to fall into crazy patterns of-

 "Validate and love me and let me swallow your fucking soul!"

The other week he told me he had a roommate. Like no big deal. Turns out it's a woman, a friend who's struggling I guess. I didn't comment or ask any questions. He's talked about getting a roommate before to save money. Of course I try applying all the recovery shit and NOT think about "what if.." scenarios.

But when he feels so distant - knowing he's at home, and she's there, and he didn't work today, but didn't say anything to me. Like "what ifs" are jumping at me like crazy. 😭

He mentioned how helpful she is with his garden....
Like I want to help. I keep saying I want him to garden in my backyard - usually teasingly.

So yeah, straight up anger, fear, envy.


Pride.
I definitely fall into the "I'm not good enough."
He made lots of suggestions about building my business. I haven't done shit. I lay around,  try to focus on the house, have anxiety attacks, try not to obsess about him, try to focus on kiddo. But then I'm horrified and ashamed to say, "no I didn't do anything to try to become self sufficient. I had a 4 hour panic attack because I'm crazy and took a nap yesterday."

Yes.
I've considered going back on meds, but then I got the new therapist and thought since she has experience with BPD maybe give her a chance. Because ALL of these issues fall completely into BPD which meds can relieve the symptoms but don't treat. So I'd want to treat the BPD then see if meds are needed for what's left. I have an appt for next week, but I guess there's a chance she'll cancel. Hoping not.

Ok.
I'm going to take a bath. Self care and self soothe.

Crazy BPD Friend