I Came Clean

This happens every time. I work so hard to contain and hide my crazy from the relationship - until one glimmered moment I feel safe and I let it all out.

Or maybe I didn't feel safe. I was panicking not to long before our phone call about how 'disconnected' I felt you were. The whole - "I know you work and I can't expect you to be around all the time - but I have no idea how serious this relationship is to you and I'm convinced you're gonna leave me."

So I desperately spilled out all the nonsense to show how devoted I am to you?
Shit! I don't know why I said. I only vaguely remember what I said. I have no memory at all of what led up to the question where you asked more in detail, "and exactly what did you do?"

"Well that time we stayed at your house? I resisted the urge to lay out all your clothes, get naked, and then roll in it like a cat."

"Oh... well that's something."

So I laugh about my quirky, crazy, cute, psychotic, devoted BPDness and hope you laugh too and that weird twinge in your voice isn't a twinge of sanity saying - "I should probably leave this psycho chick."

Then you ask another question - and again another thing I thought I was NEVER going to tell you comes spilling out of my mouth. The fact I've had your boxers for months and months and months.

You're laughing. I'm laughing - because I know if I don't laugh I'll cry because why the fuck am I telling you my absolute most crazy of crazies. Then we're joking a bit, and its playful. You insist you have to go so you can meal prep so you can come over tomorrow.

I sucker-punch that "OMG I'M BEING ABANDONED!"voice back into the void that is my head.

I know the conversation ended the same way it always does on Monday nights. "Sweet dreams, see you tomorrow, have a good night."

And now I am desperately trying to contain the crazy thoughts and emotions crawling and clawing on the inside of my skin. I can feel it from skull to toes, flesh to bone, and emotional intensity so strong it physically hurts and I'm ready to cry.

In past relationships this was "The Test".
I come clean about some level of insanity and they react either one of two ways.

A. They ghost. End the relationship and disappear.

B. A patronizing yet flattered, "aww, you are crazy. But it's sweet because you're crazy about me." To which the relationship progresses until I manage less and the unmanageable dries you away.

Both resulting in suicide and psych stays. One just takes longer than the other.

I am telling myself, and telling myself, and telling myself - this time is different. No matter the reaction, no matter if this relationship does last forever or one day ends - I AM BETTER. I have lots of skills and tools and support and recovery. I am not a risk or a danger to myself. Even if my BPD's worst nightmare comes true - I know my strong sane independent spiritual life coaching woman side will have all the tools to manage through it.

Right now though, these intense emotions are kicking my fucking ass.

After all, now that you know a couple of these secrets revealing my insanity -
If you leave me, we know it's because there's something fucking wrong with me.
If you stay with me, then dear God, what is wrong with you?