Suicide and Cigarettes

Dear.... Journal?

That's what people do right?

I was totally intent on switching from cigarettes to the vape, cause I can't afford it and I totally know it's a self destructive coping mechanism that will kill me... And I almost want it to kill me... And ugh.

I even told BF last night.
Then he left for work this morning, and the emotional intensity kicked in.
Noooo, he's not abandoning me. My rational brain DOES understand reality.
My emotional brain on the other hand keeps focusing on the fact I probably won't see him for another week and is questioning whether the reality of our relationship IS real and serious or not.

It's been almost 9 months. He's involved with my kid, he's met important people in my life. He has a drawer!!! Why question any of that?

Cause it's the self destructive path to systematic suicide and nihilistic "fuck it all's".

Walking helps. Walking puts the intensity into action and movement. I pray by the time I've walked to the gas station the intention to buy another pack of little suicide sticks will pass. Of course it doesn't, fuck it, might as well smoke.

And since I'm no good and worthless I might as well buy and eat a huge back of beef jerky to stick it to my vegan BF. Not that it makes any sense or he even cares or knows what in eating. But if I'm hating myself, I might as well do little things others can hate me for too - smoke and eat bad food... Yeah, rationality is not on the side of BPD emotion.

It doesn't help that my therapist will co-sign the bullshit I'm spewing out.
"If it gets you walking, that's a huge improvement!"
"Some people smoke forever and do die until their 80s."
"New research about vapes being bad are coming out all the time."
"Sure it's not good for you, but smoking is better than the other self harm you could be doing."

Thanks therapist. Where's the goddamn support in actual improvement? Accepting my illness is one thing, actively enabling it to destroy me is kind of why I keep asking for help!

Meanwhile, I haven't made any steps to achieve my goal to become a successful Spiritual Life Coach and get off disability. Or to sell my book.
Meanwhile, I'm convinced my kid is an energy vampire and I often want to avoid the very room she's in.
Meanwhile I'm obsessing over when I asked BF if he was comfortable in my bed last night and be jokingly nonchalantly called out on the fact I asked because I "wanna make sure he's comfortable so he'll come over more."

Meanwhile, I want the easy answers for making my desire to improve stronger than that little BPD voice that wants to die.

Fuck, 

BPD Girl