I wish I could talk to you openly, emotionally, freely without fear holding me back. Without feeling that I'm going to say the exact wrong stupid thing that is going to scare you away forever. You're like smoke.
I see you. I know you're here, in my life, but it's like... I can't touch you. You're here for a few hours a week, and then poof... It's like you disappear... Intangible.
I can't even say this, or complain or anything. I mean, you work 2 jobs. And I make it sound like this huge admirable thing that you get up every day, get ready, go work. Financial stability, the ability to live is important to you... As it is with any normal healthy person... It's not a big deal and of course that's what you do.
Then there's me where it's 50/50 if I'm going to functional on a day to day, or even hour to hour, basis. Like I'm not normal, and I don't know how to do normal. I don't know how life, any of this is supposed to work. I can barely conceive how someone can get up every day and just... Do the things... And then expect time committed to a relationship...
I want more time with you. I want something that feels more tangible, real. I want to know where things are going... Yet, I'm pretty sure most of it is my own insecure insanity that perceives you, this, us, as unreal...
I don't know.
I know these thoughts will go unspoken.
Vaporizing into the atmosphere.
Like smoke...
BPD GF
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