1000 Years

Dear BF,

So I point out it's late and you have to wake up.
You joke about having to go so you can afford to live and follow your dreams.
I ask what your dreams are.

You say to own lots of property to grow food, lots of land with hills.

I ask what else...
My stupid girl brain hoping you'll say something totally romantic involving me, because your world should totally revolve around me.

"That's it. Grow plants. Eat healthy. Live to be 1000."

I know your half asleep. I know that's the same dream you told me the day we met. I know it has nothing to do with or without me. I know you can't read my mind, and I can't read yours, and it's absolutely ridiculous of me to read into what you say as if it predicts our entire future.

I didn't say, "can I be part of that dream?" Because that's stupid and scary and baiting for trouble.
I didn't say, "I don't think I could ever leave this city because of my kid, my friends, the life I'm building.." because that's my anxiety ruining all possiblities while also baiting for more trouble.

I said I'd get some water, because after amazing sex I'm dehydrated and need to pee. I get water but instead of bringing it back and curling up in your arms, I run outside to my first love - cigarette - and watch as the colorful swirl in my head turns bright red and black with fear and anxiety that somehow I'm not important to you because you didn't say something that doesn't need said.

Our relationship is perfect. 8 months of perfection, I couldn't ask for anyone or anything better and worrying about the future of it falling apart is absolutely asinine and dear god my BPD wants nothing more than for you to admit an undying passionate love you want to last 1000+ years and and and and....

I can validate that some of these thoughts are healthy and normal. I can validate that lots of girls would think and feel this way. I can even validate that I'm handling it all healthily and have lots of love and patience and hope and faith for whatever comes.

But there's a psycho part of me - the BPD part - that wants to start screaming and crying and consider dying if nothing works out. I'm telling that part to calm the fuck down and everything is ok.

See you in bed after I pee. Thank you just for being here even though you will never know just how hard this really is for me.

Love,

Your crazy BPD GF