A Conversation

The Conversation Playing In My Head

Scene: we're sitting very comfortably on the couch. A TV show has just ended and I am curled up on your lap.

Nervously I say, "this is going to be really stupid... But I want to ask. What do you think of me? Our relationship? The future?"

And you respond in a very wonderful and passionate way that you love me, that you like how things are. That you want things to progress. That you're planning to find a house in this city, and that our relationship does evolve and maybe one day moving in together and marriage will happen. 

Then you ask what do I want? 

To which I nervously laugh and ask, "do you want the sane, rational, and healthy answer? Or the mentally disordered fantasy one?"

"Let's start with the rational one," you say.

"Well, I want the same. I love you, I want you in my life and kid's. I know that I'm evolving and growing and moving forward and I want you to be part of that. I'd love if you lived closer and came over more often, and I want to build a future with you; and yes, one day I'd want to live with a have a family with you."

"And what's the other answer?" You tease.

I laugh, "well... Remember this is coming from a place of Borderline insanity. I know it's crazy and I know it's not healthy or how relationships work, but there is this crazy intense part of me that...

"That wants you to move in here, like 3 months ago. That wants to give over my entire existence, life, and values to you. That wants to stop smoking and become vegan, not because it's healthy, but because then you'd like me more and can see being with me forever. Though I cannot ever see myself being totally vegan all the time. Like I cannot imagine an existence where I never have bacon again .. but like, with my smoking, I'll just eat it outside in total private shame.

"This part of me wants you around all the time and in every aspect of my life. I want to have your babies - and maybe part of that is the mother in me but also this crazy part so that you will always and forever be connected to me.

"I even want to switch completely to your shampoo and toothpaste brand, which I kind of started using since you left bottles in the bathroom when you brought stuff over for your drawer. Also I want to clean out my entire closet and home right now so that you can totally fill it with all your things.

"And then I want to wake up next to you every morning and go to sleep with your holding me every night. And for there to be lots and lots of wild sex - which will also help me keep up with doing the laundry regularly, because there's this insane part of me that feels like it can only be functional if you're around and wants to become your Stepford wife.

"After a big fairytale wedding life will be perfect and I'll never ever have problems again and we'll live happily ever after.

"And now that I've revealed my undying obsession and psychotic adoration and desire for you, do you want to take me into the bedroom and fuck the insecurities out of me?"

Then you kiss me, lead me to bedroom and the screen fades to black and credits roll.

But let's be honest, after the credits comes the following scene where I'm sitting outside smoking a cigarette writing a blog post on the verge of crying because I just bled my crazy out and am sure you're going to abandon me the next day. 

The End.