I Think He's Going To Leave Me

I think he's going to leave me.
Not for any good reason.
Probably because my BPD says so.
He spent the night last night.
I felt disconnected.
I started hating myself.
I want to quit smoking.
Still haven't.
I spent the day crying.
Because I didn't quit smoking.
And for someone reason I think he'll leave because of that.
I asked when I could get him to come over again.
He said Tuesday.
He always comes Tuesday.
I pouted, that's so far away.
But it's Tuesday he said.
I guess I'll wait if I have to, I said.
Yesterday I told him about quitting smoking.
I suggested he stay with me and restrain me.
Jokingly.
He said I need someone to vent to.
I told him I do have people, but I'd like him to be one of those people.
He said he wasn't a good person to vent to.
I asked why not.
He said because he works so much.
He does.
My BPD says work is a cover up to avoid me.
My BPD says Tuesday is a way to keep me without commitment.
My BPD says smoke until you die.
My BPD says I'm worthless and not worth his effort.
My BPD says to continue to cry - for no real reason.
He said emotions don't make you crazy.
I said not being able to control them does.
My BPD/Addiction says smoke another.
Is it my BPD?
Or is it just me?
What if there is no illness and I'm totally rational
And I do deserve to die.

I hate days like this.
I'm not winning.

BPD & Me