I'm having a Borderline moment and am desperately trying not to make it last forever.
Trigger Warning? Maybe? I don't understand trigger warnings, expressions of suicide will make me laugh (cause I totally get that!), while a cutesy joke about kittens will make me suicidal ('cause why oh why am I allergic?). Oh, we aren't supposed to say suicidal in the group are we? If you're triggered by relationships and just the full blown emotional dysregulation of it all... stop reading. *shrug emoji*
I've never really had a healthy normal relationship. The ones I could call healthy only lasted a month or two. Usually they would leave because they realized how unstable I was. The last healthy relationship I chose to end because I wanted to focus on getting better. Then I was single for three years. I started dating again at the beginning of this year.
Now, I've been seeing my bf for 6 months. He is wonderful! It's been wonderful. He's slowly becoming more involved in my daughter's life. I haven't acted impulsively or showed him my crazy. I've been able to manage myself overall.
He works two jobs. So, for the last couple of months he's been staying over once a week to take me and Kiddo out. It's been nice, but of course it's hard because I want swept off to a fantasy world and to immerse myself in him and only him. Ok, I don't really want that; but my BPD sure does! I've told him about my illnesses, but he has yet to see the full on crazy I can be.
So, he stayed here all week because his electricity was getting fixed. I have loved every singl eminute of it. Him coming here, enjoying the night together, and waking up with him as he gets ready for work and I get Kiddo to school. Kid had a sleep over last night, so we had a fun date.
Everything IS perfect and wonderful and I have nothing to complain or worry about it. Not really. His electric is fixed and he's going home today -- because of course! That's what normal people fucking do! Yet, I woke up with this feeling of dread; the emotions so big I couldn't stop them. He's not abandoning me by going home - I KNOW THIS. I KNOW IT'S RIDICULOUS TO THINK THAT.
For weeks, and weeks, and weeks, I've been wanting to tell him I love him. Six months together and I haven't said it. I think that maybe shows MY progress and growth; but he hasn't said it either. I can't read his mind. I don't know what he feels, or if he feels I love him. Maybe he's waiting for me to say it first and just going at my pace. Or maybe not. Or, you know, maybe normal healthy people don't jump into the "L" word before six months. *eye roll emoji*
I made him a gift and keep chickening out to give it to him. When the time seems right to tell him I love him, or give him this gift, I go into anxiety mode and then shut down. Thankfully I can bring myself back into the present moment and fully enjoy my time with him.
This morning he was packing up his things and getting ready for work. I just laid in bed and cried. I just felt myself spiraling while I know I have absolutely no reason to. The emotions just feel so big and I just want them to fucking stop! I partly hoped he'd see or hear me crying and why and then, maybe, I could word vomit all my feelings for him and impulsively beg him to move in with me. I know that's crazy. Six months is too soon. My exes in the past practically moved in after two months - and those turned into nightmares, because DUH, sane normal healthy people don't do that! Sane, normal, healthy people wait... Right?
I knew wanting him to see me cry was likely a subconscious desire to manipulate the situation in hopes he'd come back tonight. Regardless of how good I am at rationalization and justification, "wahh, I'm just being honest about my FEELINGS!" Yes dear, your extreme BPD controlled irrational uncontrollable feelings.
Everything is perfect and I want to risk ruining it, or curl up and die.
I did pull myself together and go to the kitchen for coffe while he made his lunch and ate breakfast. I wanted to say it, "I love you." Maybe give him the gift I made. Instead I stood there dumbfounded and disassociated. Totally mute for minutes at a time. Of course, he didn't notice. I am SOOO good at appearing ok. We joked around, killed a cockroach, laughed a lot. He kissed me before going to work. He'll likely call tonight when he gets home.I'll see him Tuesday (like every Tuesday) and we'll take Kiddo to the beach.
Again, everything is normal, fine, perfect, healthy, "mature", and so so good.
Now I'm sitting here chain smoking as if it'll fill this empty hole that growing while my emotions bounce to horrific extremes all because.... what? BPD is a bitch?
I've been trying to get into a DBT program. I posted a while back how bad my current therapist is. She has no experience with BPD. I'm using my tools and trying to regulate and decide what to do today until Kiddo gets home. I'm afraid I might just go back to bed and be swallowed by emotion.
(Or you know, start a blog and anonymously post all the crazy shit I write so I don't do anything actually crazy.)
I don't know, and if you read all... thanks? Are you ok?
Sincerely,
One of you crazy BPD peeps!
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