I keep wanting to say things in person, but instead I get anxious, feel crazy, and turn into a muted frozen mess. Like my refrigerator this morning. Seriously, what the fuck is up with that? Should I call someone? Anyway, here I am writing this.
I love you. I love being with you. I love how you are with Kid. When I'm with you it's like fireworks exploding inside of me. I want to be with you and only you. I want to build a life with you and wake up to you, your gross watery oatmeal, and terrible weak vanilla coffee every day. I want to dance with you on the beach. I want to eat chips and salsa while we watch TV every night.
I want to control my intense emotions and wild fantasies. Rationally, I know it's only been six months and, while I can appear to hold myself together, there's this whole other part of me that wants to fly off into ecstasy or fear. Creation or Ruin.
I wish I could say these things without the horrible fear that you'll see me as crazy, or say you don't feel at all similarly. That eventually you'll leave because I'm too much or not enough. That you'll see my irrationality and decide it's not worth it. I don't know how long I can keep it together before I spiral off and spout all this nonsense.
I want you and I want to be with you. It's only been six months, but I very much want to tell you to move in with me and continue this wonderful week we had, forever.
I want to bury my face in your chest and cry and beg you to say, "yes, of course. I've been waiting for you to say it." I want to sleep beside you with the knowing that I am securely yours and can be with you forever - instead of drifting off into a fantasy I wish I could create.
Instead, I remain paralyzed in silent fear. It's only been six months. If I say anything I might ruin everything good. Though if I say nothing, I might be swallowed whole by emotional demons.
I love you, and I hope you say it first. *sad face emoji*
Please,
BPD
P.S. Your coffee really is terrible! If I didn't have BPD and a gross obsession with you, I totally wouldn't drink it. In my fantasy world though, we know that drinking your coffee is a type of witchcraft that will bind you to me forever! Muahaha! *glug glug glug*
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