Here is another letter you will probably never see; because rather than say what I think, feel, and want it has become easier to go on a furious typing rant about and continue to hide it indefinitely.
I might manage to say something stupid like, "I'm crazy about you!" When really I want to say HOW crazy I actually am. "I love you, I think about you all the time. When I'm with you it's like fireworks exploding inside of me and it takes everything to contain it because the thought of saying anything and you not responding with the same affection makes me cower in fearful self-pity," *deep breath* "because dear God, my emotions are intense and crazy and the likelihood any sane person wanting to witness it are slim."
You talked about moving to the area last night. For a long time now I've been biting my tongue and trying to remain sane and rational by not shouting, "JUST FUCKING MOVE IN WITH ME! PUT YOUR PLANTS IN THE BACKYARD AND YOUR ASS IN MY BED! IMMERSE YOURSELF EVEN MORE IN MY AND KID'S LIFE!
"SWIM WITH ME IN MY POOL OF CRAZY! I'M A TERRIBLE HOUSEKEEPER AND MENTALLY UNSTABLE MESS - BUT I WANT TO GIVE YOU ALL OF ME AND TAKE ALL OF YOU FOR MYSELF! I WANT TO BUILD A LIFE WITH YOU AND HOPE THAT IT DOESN'T CRASH AND BURN WITH MY INABILITY TO ADULT! I WANT TO DANCE WITH IN THE NIGHTS AND WAKE UP WITH YOU IN THE MORNING.
"I WANT TO LAUGH WITH YOU AND KID AND BUILD A FORTRESS OF JOY!"
Nope, not sending this one, and definitely not screaming at him...
Crazy BPD
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