I feel incredibly insecure. You haven't done it said anything to make me feel this way. Our relationship has been the epitome of perfection. We've never even had a disagreement.
One symptom of BPD is an unstable view of Self.
One day I am on top of the world. I'm a kick-ass mama, getting things done and adulting. I have a business where I get to help others heal. I'm a great 12 Step Sponsor and meeting chair, people tell me all the time what an inspiration I am and how I have helped them in some way. I'm a creative goddess, stitching beautiful works of embroidery. I'm a compassionate, trustworthy, sexy woman worth of love and adoration.
On that same day I can be a neurotic, disabled, single mom who can't even put on pants. I smoke too many cigarettes and drink to much coffee while staring into oblivion wondering why I even exist. I can barely take care of myself, let alone a kid, I'm a terrible housekeeper, and out of shape. Sometimes I sleep more than a hibernating bear in winter, and I'm convinced the people who say they love me are playing an elaborate game to destroy me. I'm not worthy of anything, not even the air I breathe.
I remember at a young age deciding I would never be the first to tell someone I love them. I don't know if there was an event that lead to this decision or if it was consciously made. So while I bite my tongue from spouting words of my passionate feelings toward you, I'm constantly wondering if you'll ever feel the same and say the words first.
I wonder if I'm just a pit stop for distraction in your life. That I'm simply a fun hobby until you find what you're looking for. Someone prettier, more mature, more functional than I will ever be. That you're humoring me and yourself during your free time. That it's just a matter of time before I do or say something stupid so you can have a reason to end it all and run off with the girl of your dreams once you find her.
No, you've giving me no indication or evidence to believe any of that to be true. I know these thoughts and feelings are not based on reality, but rather warped perceptions and negative experiences. I know, even if this nonsense happens to be true, or our relationship ends for whatever reason I have all the tools I need to get through it.
I bite my tongue and type nonsense onto a blog. I want to assault you with questions, though I know no one deserves or wants to be interrogated.
Do you love me?
Why are you with me?
WTF do you see in me?
Do we have a future?
Are you going to leave if I get too crazy?
Why haven't you told me you love me?
Why aren't you MORE affectionate?
Why haven't you moved in with me yet?
Can I have your babies?
Do you want someone better?
Am I sexually adventurous enough for you?
Is it ok that I'm like an incompetent child?
Am I pretty?
Why don't you validate my unspoken feelings?
Why can't you read my mind!?
Will you change your relationship status on Facebook even though you haven't gone into FB in like 3 years?
When do normal people start planning a wedding?
If I change my diet will you love me more?
Will you be my kid's step dad?
Wtf is wrong with me? And can you fix it?
I'll try to keep my mouth shut baby,
BPD GF
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