I know you still like to visit me even though I've made it clear we are no longer in a serious relationship. I've come to accept that you may always be part of my life, even though your visits have become less and less. Yet it's so inconvenient and frustrating when you appear unannounced and refuse to leave when I ask you to. Even more infuriating when you refuse to let me walk away and detach from you.
Today I expected your visit. Whenever I decide to do something new and often when I leave the house, you come barrelling through the door with unwanted hugs and advances. I meditated and had a plan. Even once you arrived I made it out the door.
Walking to the post office, I kept a fast and steady pace to get away from you. I knew you'd catch up with me eventually, but I had hoped you would wait to assault me until I got home.
I made it inside the building before I felt your hot firy fingers against my flesh. Twisting my mind to make the room spin with indecision. I could have stayed and mailed my packages had you not been so forceful.
I ran outside hoping the hot sun would calm you down. I called my father to ask for some guidance, I needed to reorient myself and remember my step by step plan for what I needed to do. So easily I forget how my dad's voice excites you more. You choked me and forced the oxygen from my lungs.
Again I tried to run, while keeping a steady pace so I could go unnoticed by passerbys. After all, explaining your invisible presence never goes over well with strangers.
I am home now, trying to feed your abusive desires with caffeine and cigarettes. At least my relationship with those creatures are self inflicted and invited vs. your unexpected arrivals.
I know I don't have to tell you how abusive you are. You're well aware and take joy in making me struggle. I am so grateful for the days when I can overpower you. I know today wasn't a loss on my side. I made it out the door, walked somewhere new, and made it home safely. I may be exhausted. I may have to spend the rest of the day recovering from your visit.
Just know. Even if today didn't go perfectly, I made progress. I beat you. I won.
BPD Survivor
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