So I was lying next to you in bed, after amazing sex, and I start thinking of all the things I want to say and all the ways I want to tell you how much I love you and want to be with you and have a future with you and, and, and. I begin to panic. You're obviously exhausted after a long day of working with no sleep, taking kid and I to dinner and the beach, and of course amazing sex. Of course you're falling asleep. Can I keep you up a little longer to start spouting my nonsense?
"So, hold on. I want to give you something. It's weird but totally me. I made you this embroidery piece, cause embroidery is what I do. I made it as we were coming up on six months. I know it's only been six months...
"The picture didn't turn out how I wanted it. The flowers look like little vaginas. That wasn't intentional. They're supposed to be pink lilies. Which is supposed to mean 'new love', but I think the vaginal visual is totally uniquely me. That's supposed to be you and me. It's supposed to be all one line. Like we're totally connected. Of course I'm a bad doodler and it's not all one line, and I kept running out of thread and kept trying to figure out how to flow it all together; and then my doodle lines didn't disappear under the thread so I got mad and colored it all in with a pen. So it looks all black, like shadows. Let's just say it's foreshadowing...
"Cause yes, even though it's only been six months. I think you're perfect and amazing. I want to be with you and plan a future with you. I love you. I'm pretty sure I love you. I feel things really intensely and tend to get super attached. I wish you would stay over more often. I want you to move in, but that's crazy. It's only been six months. So no that's not what I'm trying to say.
"I don't know what I'm trying to say. I want you and only you and I desperately want you to say and feel the same.
"Soooo..."
Instead I go into panic, run to the bathroom to put on clothes so I can go outside, smoke, and type out all the nonsense in my head. If I say it out loud I'm terrified that it will ruin everything that we have. If I stay silent we can keep going as we have been. Once a week, though I want more, you, kid, and I having a wonderful time. A wonderful night together, followed by my spiraling into this insanity of not knowing what the future holds. Then falling into self loathing and depression that I don't know how to be in a healthy relationship and I feel like I'm pretending and lying.
BPD just ruins everything. ..
Lost in silent anxiety,
Your BPD GF
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