Unlike Anxiety, I really appreciate how to come into my home very quietly. While still an unexpected and uninvited guess, you don't barrel your way through the door and cause immediate harm. You work slowly on your abuses.
You slip silently into the room and sit beside me on the couch as I watch a movie and work on my embroidery. It can take hours, days, even weeks for me to notice that you're here. You're a quiet distraction. I don't notice that you've taken my meals away, and I've forgotten to eat. Or that I've missed phone calls, appointments, quit doing activities because I've become preoccupied attending to your silent presence.
I got out of bed today and got Kid to school. I went for a walk. I went to my appointment and meeting. I had a pretty good day. I'm not sure exactly when you got here, but I notice you now.
I've been smoking more cigarettes, somehow I ate only junk food. I found myself getting emotional over a meme. I even got annoyed with my favorite hobby, and lost my temper with Kid for a moment.
All signs that you're here, seductively whispering, "you're tired. Just go to bed and rest, baby."
I hear you. I notice you. I am not going to bed just yet. I'm not cancelling my plans. I have a meeting to chair, embroidery to do. Just because I'm eating junk food doesn't mean I'm welcoming you. I hope you get bored with my activities and decide to leave.
But I know, oh I know you'll probably come to bed with me. Embrace and hold me against my will. When I wake up I'll get Kid to school, and try to resist your pleas to return to bed. There's probably a good chance I'll lay down with you and sleep beside you for a while. Crying against your cool chest brings some semblance of relief - that's only because it's familiar, comfortable.
You're not as strong as you used to be though. I don't care what you say or try to make me believe. At some point I will manage to kick you out the door. I have friends now, friend who do live to destroy you. DBT, exercise, water, meetings, meditation... The list could go on. I won't be pulled back into your monstrous cycle.
Enjoy your stay. May it be short.
No Longer Yours,
BPD Girl
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