Giving Up On Suicide

Do I want these suicidal feelings to go away?
Do I really wish to quit smoking?
Am I truly willing?
Motivation isn't important.
Am I willing to let these things go?

These reservations make me feel safe. Like a cyanide pill held close just in case.

If things get too hard.
If things feel so overwhelming.
If I just can't get a handle on life.

The warm embrace of possible oblivion in my future has been there.

I gave up the idea of self harm and dramatic painful measures. Emphysema and lung cancer, whole terrible, slow, painful deaths... Has at least been a possibility. The route to death that includes victimhood and pity from others.

No one entirely hates/condemns someone with cancer, right?

Dying directly at my own hands though?
A selfish failure.

Systematic suicide seems the way to go.

Death like my mother.
Only partially planned, and illusioned control.

But I want to feel, do, and be better!

I don't want to leave Kid alone.
Like me.

I don't really want to die.
But can I give up that fantasy?
I never planned to live.
Can I give up this reservation?
I want to take a step forward toward healing.
Can I tear up the old back up plan?
I don't truly want it.
Can I truly let go?

God please take this obsession.
Please take it away from me.

I want to live happy, joyous, free, and sane.
I want to die relatively sane and reasonably happy.
Loved and loving.

I am afraid BF is pulling away from me.
Our phone calls are shorter. He can't visit this week. He still hasn't said he loves me. It feels like I love a ghost. An idea.

Like I love the idea of dying...

If I give up killing myself - what will I do if I lose him?

For fucksake. I know. I'll be ok.
Dying is not the answer to the end of a relationship. And it's not even the end. Yet, I fantasize. Oblivion instead of feeling.

It all feels like so much. What if I can't handle what is coming? And I give up my stupid escape plan?









FAITH