I don't know what I'm feeling. I just know it's intense and uncomfortable and I don't fucking like it. So I'm outside, smoking, typing away nonsense again. Also I want to quit smoking, I've cut down. What am I supposed to do during these intense uncomfortable moments if I can't go out and smoke?
"Oh excuse me. I have to step outside. No I quit smoking. I'm just going to write you another letter me post it on a blog..."
I told you, we've been together for 7 months. It was the most I could get out. I couldn't say how I feel or present you with the embroidery piece I still have yet to give you.
"I had a lot less plants then."
"Plans?"
"Plants with a T."
"So you're saying you've acquired more plants in the last 7 months?"
I don't know what to say or do with that conversation. Does it mean anything? It's not like I can start a heavy conversation with you anyways. You work 2 jobs and have been working more and more hours. You just spent the whole afternoon playing putt putt and swimming in the ocean with me and Kid.
You're tired. I get it. You're only half awake during these late night emotionally intense moments I have and keep trying to manage and hide via cigarettes and typing.
So what am I supposed to do?
I know I'll go inside, brush my teeth, and lay next to you for bed. I'll try to force myself to sleep and not feel and think all of this craziness that's inside me over and over.
I just want to tell you....
NO! I just want you to tell me,
That you love me.
Want to be with me.
That you're not going anywhere.
That you love Kid.
You plan to be part of our lives.
That you understand and love my crazy.
That you want to be here... Forever.
I'll just try not to keep thinking about it... Just for tonight... Until next time.
Love,
You're BPD GF
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