Fear and Abandonment

Dear BF,

I am so scared.
I'm afraid that you don't really like me.
I'm afraid that at any moment this relationship could come to an end for seemingly no reason at all.
I'm afraid you could never love me.

I'm afraid I will never live up to your ex fiance, even though I know almost nothing about her or the relationship.

I'm afraid I can't stop smoking, and that you'll hate me for it or never commit to me because of it.

I'm afraid if I don't eat better, become a better mother, better house keeper, money earner - you'll never want to truly be with me long term.

I absolutely, completely, utterly hate myself for thinking these things. Knowing that the only reason I'm suddenly immobilized by fear and abandonment issues because you haven't texted me all day. I hate that I can be this crazy and we've only been together for 7 months.

I'm afraid you know I feel this way and that they're true, but you'll never do anything about it.

I'm afraid you'll never know, and it will never go away.

I hate knowing that the nature of my BPD means that the moment you do text or call I will completely forget I had any of these fears. That I will never be able to be completely honest with your about this stuff. That if I do you will run.

And I hate that I won't blame you because BPD makes me hate myself.

I wish I wasn't like this.

I wish you'd break my heart sooner rather than later.

Your Crazy BPD GF