Borderline Reality

Dear BF,

I have taken to writing letters instead of telling you all the crazy thoughts and impulses I have. If I could share them with you, with full faith that you would understand and not be horrified by my intense mental illness and feelings for you - then I probably still wouldn't.

I have Borderline Personality Disorder.

Marsha Lineham, creator of DBT which is meant to treat BPD, says that being Borderline is like being a 3rd degree burn victim. In that we have no emotional skin. The slightest touch or movement causes intense agony.

Without an emotional skin there is no protection from the intensity that feelings can bring. Whether they are good or bad. It creates a constant uncertainty of what is healthy and rational vs. a warped perception and lack of control.

This creates an unstable view of self. I don't always know who I am, what I'm doing, how I'm supposed to be. It means my passions and interests and personality can easily be changed and influenced for seemingly no reason.

With relationships where a mix of intense feelings are normal, I begin to feel like I am in a war zone. I can't be sure if I'm stepping on a pretty firework or a bomb. I can feel euphoric passionate connection, followed by a sense of destructive terror filled with abandonment issues and lack of self worth.

I regularly have to pause to realign myself. I can feel disassociated and out of touch with reality. I forget what I'm doing, find uncertainty in how I'm supposed to be thinking and behaving. Often times I freeze in disoriented panic during seemingly benign moments.

I've told you time and again I have mental illness. I've shared some of the symptoms. I've shared that I have tools, attend recovery meetings, therapy, and have healing practices to get me through all the struggles I deal with on a daily basis.

You have yet to see or hear just how extreme this disorder is for me. I'd like to keep it that way. The amazing thing is that I am managing and functioning on a level that is healthy. I am healing and have tools most Borderline people don't have. My behavior is healthy though my mind isn't quite there.

I never want this disorder to affect our relationship. While I desperately want to tell you about it and ask for your undying love and support as if you could cure me - I know I have to do all the work on my own and for myself. You cannot fix or manage me, not is it your responsibility.

Writing these things down at least gives me a sense of relief. I can let it out without causing harm. I can take a healthy action rather than an impulsive one. I can sort out my insanity from the reality.

My one wish is that you can accept and love all of me and want to build a future with me on the foundation of our wonderful relationship. I will always work hard at being my best and as healthy as I can be. One day, when it's appropriate, I do hope to share some of this with you without fear. Knowing that your feelings for will not be jeopardize, but your understanding may grow.

I know my love for you is real, but the intensity of it is fueled by my BPD. It's a manageable beautiful flame that sometimes feels like an all consuming wildfire. I know though, that I will be ok.

Yours,

BPD GF