BPD and Me

Study:
Brain Scans Show What Makes A Brain Borderline

Hello, my name is BPD GF and I am Powerless Over My Emotions and a grateful member or Emotions Anonymous.

I struggle to start or stop an emotion. They can be intense and unpredictable, or virtually non existent leaving me numb.

I can experience euphoric bliss, like blinding beautiful fireworks, quickly followed by a seemingly soundless ash covered landscape.

For so long I thought, "I just need to learn how to control myself. There's nothing wrong with me, I just never learned how to make good choices when faced with any situation. I just need to choose not to be angry/sad/excited etc."

It's a not a choice, it's an organic dysfunction of my brain. There's not a simple flip I can switch to turn it off and be normal. I need to work hard and apply an array of tools to avoid inappropriate behaviors and to regulate these moments of extreme too muchness.

12 Step Recovery has helped. It gives me a practical way of living and thinking, and the reliance on God, Meditation, Prayer, Daily Inventory, and Helping Others has saved my life.

Therapy has helped, and DBT gives me skills to work through those hard moments. With my relationship I've turned to writing letters before meditating to bring myself back to the present - and to stop myself from terrorizing my boyfriend.

The Emotional Freedom Technique is a practical tool which uses acupressure points and affirmations (self talk) to help contain and work through emotional moments. When anxiety hits especially, EFT keeps me from jumping out a window. (With BPD I totally mean that literally!)

In this blog I have been sharing my deepest, scariest, messiest parts of myself. Those moments when I am absolutely off kilter and ready to jump off into the deep end. This is only one part of my (constantly shifting) identity.

When I am not an wild animal trying to lock myself in a cage, I am a normal every day person. I'm a single mother, a daughter, a girlfriend, a friend. I'm an artist, embroiderer, and writer. I'm a Spiritual Life Coach, EFT Practitioner, and 12 Step Recovery Sponsor. I help people, I raise a child, I celebrate life and healing. I am pretty damn amazing and functional (compared to how I used to be!)

But my brain is wired differently, and I have moments of chaos all within my own mind. It can feel all consuming and unbearable.

I am not Hopeless though, and neither are you.

With Love,

BPD GF

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Hopeless To Healed